What Hurts me the Most - chap 2

~Ros’s POV~
I love you, but I don’t treat you like that.
In the daytime I’m a meanie, a bully. I treat you like shit, making fun of every little mistake you make, hurt you when you let your guards down and I do it every time.  Yet I somehow enjoy seeing your pained face, I find it attractive and I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t feel guilty. That’s why I keep hurting you. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself.

Though in the night, when the stars shine, I feel calm. I feel like I can relax and that’s when I stop hurting you. That’s when I realize it’s a miracle you’re still here and I get possessive. I glare at the other’s sleeping forms and threaten to kill them if they dare to try and steal you away from me. I can’t let you go, so I hurt you to make sure you won’t dare to leave me, to make sure you’ll keep focused on me alone. I don’t care if it’s love or hate, as long as I’m the only one on your mind. I know I’m a sadist, but that’s just how I am. I’ve accepted it. Only the cool air can calm me down and let those thoughts leave my head.

And that’s when your eyes start to shine, brighter than anything I’ve ever seen. You know just as well as that the night time is our time. Seeing you relax when we decide to rest for the night, your endless fiddling as we wait for Rchi to fall asleep. And once she’s far away in dream land, you instantly crawl over to me and start cuddling, like a small puppy longing for his master’s attention. Not that I mind, you look adorable while doing so. We usually spend most of the night like that, sitting in each other’s arms, not saying anything, just listening to the nature and feeling the other’s warm body; just like now. Just the two of us, sitting in the grass, you between my legs and gazing at the night sky.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask in a low tone.

I feel you flinch slightly as you’re brought out of your thoughts and then make a small shrug. You lean back against my chest, and I can’t stop my heart from beating faster so I wrap my arms around your middle to pull you even closer.

“Stuff… Mostly us…” you mutter back and look down at my arms secured around you, preventing you from running if you tried. I know you won’t though.

“Us?” I ask, slightly confused.

You nod and continue.

“This whole… day and night thing… I was just wondering which is the real you”

“oh…” You absolutely had to ask that one question I didn’t want to hear. “I guess… they’re both ‘the real me’…” I mutter and lean my head on top of yours, enjoying the closeness between us.

But it’s the truth; I’m both this calm person and the bully. It’s just a matter of whether I can relax or not and the night is the only thing that can make me relax to the fullest and cool down my temper.

“But I don’t know if I can trust you! You keep punching me and hurting me, but then later you say you love me!” You said, raising your voice a little, though still keeping it down so Rchi won’t wake up.

I don’t answer to that. What was I supposed to say anyway? You turn slightly to send me a glare and I can see the pain in your eyes. I can see how much this hurts you, yet I still don’t regret it. Part of me, actually feels quite pleased by this. Oh, how I long to see your sorrowful eyes. I love the taste of your tears as I kiss them away. But the warm smile you send me when you’re happy. The confidence, that glows from your body when you’re proud of yourself. I love that side of you too. It makes me want to hug you and protect you from the evils of this world, to make sure you’ll always be able to smile.

But if I did that, it’d mean I’d have to protect you from me. I’d have to send you away from me – and even worse, I’d have to give you to someone else. I can’t do that! I can’t let you go. No matter how much you hate me, I’ll keep you with me. I’ll lock you up and keep you to myself; no one is allowed to take you away from me.

You sigh. Only to let yourself huddle closer to me, your head on my shoulder, eyes closed, so very vulnerable. I smile. A small smile, only for you. Because you how I hurt you – if I wanted to I could probably kill you now – yet you still let your guards down for me and as a sign of gratitude, I place a light peck on your forehead.

“I’m sorry, Alba” I whisper. I’m sorry that I beat you; I’m sorry that I stab you, break your bones, call you names and accuse you for things we both know are lies. I’m sorry that I break your trust time and time again. But I love you, more than you’d ever think and one day I might be able to tell you just how much I really love you.

I shift a little, moving us so we can lie down and enjoy the last of the night we got left.

“Will you at least stay with me till morning?” Your voice is desperate, yet your eyes stay closed; too scared to look.

I don’t answer. Because I won’t make you sadder than you are. We both know I can’t. Firstly because I can’t let people know of our relationship; let them know my weakness. Secondly because I don’t trust myself enough to let you live through a night if I’m close enough and given the chance.

Your small arms circle around me, your face buried in my chest. I know that if you weren’t so tired and so used to the pain; you’d be crying. The only thing I can do is gently rub your back, hoping that I can calm you down so you can rest. And slowly, but surely, I feel your body relax in my arms as you fall asleep.

I lie there with you for a few hours after you’ve fallen asleep, simply running my fingers through your soft hair, enjoying your warmth, muttering a soft ‘I love you’ that I know you won’t hear.

My thoughts start drifting to a time I know will come. A time where you realize you’re better off without me. And that is what hurts me the most.